This is cheesy but…

I want to pen down my thoughts on this. I have a crush on this guy for… how long has it been? a year plus maybe. That’s  a long period of time. I guess it is. I don’t quite know whether i just admire his appearance or i really like him as a person. I’m also stuck between liking him just as a friend to text to or seriously liking him personally. I guess i just felt lonely these days that i tried to communicate with people on a more frequent basis. And i thought i may need a lover. Because lover offers a different kind of love (i think). Lover is like a close friend of yours that you’re in love with. Does that make any sense? i hope it does. At least that’s what i thought. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not desperate. It’s just that i felt i’ve been single for quite a long time and i guess now that i’ve matured enough ( i think i have) i should probably be given a chance to love and be loved, right? (ew, this sounds so…*choked*)

Okay, so i met this guy in my school. We were in different class. But on the first day i met him – we met because we have one common class – i knew that there was something about him. Something that attracted me so bad, i cried just at the thought of not being able to get close to him. I know that i shouldn’t be like this. i mean, I’ve never liked a guy this much. I even made the first move, something that i have never done before. I have always been the one who’s passive, waiting to be approached. I realized that only applies for pretty girls which i know, for sure, that i’m not. So i guess, i may need to put in extra effort if i ever want to be closer with the people i like. #ohwell

Long story to go but I’m just gonna shorten it, i got his attention. And i noticed something different in the way he looked at me. Like he started to pay more attention to me. Not sure if he liked me back or get the hint that i like him but i noticed that. Like he would make the effort to say hi to me in school. Like calling my name across the field just to say hi. Making the effort to talk to me, like just came up with random question and ask me.  I was happy. Like really really happy. Because for once, i thought i have the chance. For once, i thought, i stand a chance to be closer with him. Something that’s impossible when i first knew him. Certain things that he did, make me think that way. And i hate him for doing that.  Like one time, he would flirt. And the other time, he would just straightly act like i didn’t even exist in his life. Like we never even talked before. Which makes me sad and happy at the same time because i thought he’s not meant to be my lover. And i thought his act would help me get over him easily. I could never be more wrong. I simply couldn’t. The thought of getting closer and probably be more than just a friend to him is addictive. The possibilities, they control my mind. I hate myself.

Fast forward to this year, things have been quite awkward between him and i. It’s because of those imbecilic messages i sent him. I should not have sent that. That is so stupid, I can’t even fathom why did i do that to myself. Like i just embarrassed myself in front of him big time. lol.

We’ve graduated from high school. And now that Exams are over, I have more free time in which i can go and reflect on how he’s just a plain flirt. It’s so mean of him to do that. Like i don’t know if i’m supposed to be this hurt. Or it’s my fault for thinking that he actually flirt, for interpreting his actions wrongly. i don’t know man. i suck at this kind of thing.

Anyway, I just texted him.

And it seemed like he’s having fun with his life. I guess i should too, right? instead of dwelling on the thought whether he like me or not. Like i should care  more about important things like what i wanna do in the future, what career path that can suit me best, that can help pave my way up to succeed and make my parents proud of me. I should get my priorities right. But i guess i’m just a sucker for him. the thought of him haunts me day and night. Like seriously, didn’t i ask God to remove him from my life. I guess it’s partially my fault to still get him involved in my life. Like i should not even contact him again, right? wtf, where’s your pride woman? where is it?

We talked for awhile. And i asked him out. But i never really plan anything unlike last year where i planned everything. Partly because, maybe i have lost interest in him or maybe i’ve just become smarter in dealing with my feeling. I don’t wanna get too exact with the details of the outing. I don’t wanna expect too much from him. And, boy,i couldn’t be more right. He stopped the convo all of a sudden. With an excuse to play game. Right, why did you even think that he would like to stay and talk any longer with you? what? why are you so stupid? why would you let the same, old thing, hurt you again and again? Didn’t you learn form the past? Wasn’t it heartbreaking enough for you?

Stop hurting yourself with the thought that maybe you weren’t trying hard enough to get his attention. Because i did all i could, i showed my feelings. I swallowed my pride, enough is enough. Time to move on with other things in life. It’s like what i read in one of the blog. It was so apt, i cried when i read it. That i should stop trying to make things work. That no matter how hard you’re fighting for someone, if it’s not meant to be, things just won’t work out. I need to learn to accept my fate and be more expectant of greater thing that awaits me.

I should just probably ignore my feeling.

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